What you need to know This section will have special relevance if you are going through a divorce and have teens. If you are a teenager and happened to come across our web site, we hope you can make good use of the information contained below.

A Big Impact

 

For many people, the divorce of their parent's marks a dramatic turning point in their lives, whether the divorce happened many years ago or is taking place right now. First of all, children of divorce are certainly not alone, and this should be explained to them. The rule of thumb here is to remember that couples divorce each other but they can't divorce their kids. Kids will always have their parents and the parents will always have the kids. Now, the key is that an effort has to be made by all parties to promote strong relations even after a divorce. This is important if your kids are important. We are going on the assumption that they are.

It's ordinary for teens to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault, but nothing could be further from reality. Some teens may wonder if they could have helped to prevent the split, and hence experience pangs of regret over not being able to prevent the parent's from splitting up. But, once again, the decision to divorce is rarely ever related to the kids per se. More often than not, the divorce is due to husband and wife living in discord. Sadly, sometimes people simply grow apart and are unable to be happy together.

If your parents are going their own ways, your emotions may run the gamut. You may at times be sad, introspective, angry and even happy or relieved. The point is to communicate those feelings with trusted loved ones, even both of your parents.  They may underestimate or overestimate the dramatic effect their divorce is having on you. By communicating to them, you are also continuing to nurture strong ties. This will serve you well in the years ahead as you progress into adulthood and start a family of your own. 

How Will Divorce Change the Life of a Teen?

 

There's no doubt that your divorce will effect your teen's daily life. Depending on your particular situation, your teen kids will have to adjust to many changes. These could include things like moving and changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and dealing with some parents' unpleasant feelings toward one another. This is tricky territory and you better have a good solid game plan to help make this as easy as possible. 

 

In all likelihood there will be less money for the kids and they may notice this and this may cause fear and resentment. They may even wonder if it will effect their future. Will there be enough for Johnny to go to college?  Teens will naturally think along such lines. 

  

New routines need to be created too. It may be extremely difficult for teens to travel between both parents if they move far apart.  This will involve money and we all know the lawyers got a big chunk of it already, but in time, if you persevere, you should be able to establish new routines that work for all. The point to remember is even though there will be less money, there does not need to be less love.  Love is what is most important and a lessening in feeling and caring for each other will create far greater and lasting problems than a lack of money ever will.  Heck, some kids might welcome the absence of money, if money was a primary reason the parents could never get along to begin with. So our advice is to establish "affection routines" by constant communication and emphasis being placed on your teen's importance. Likewise, any teens reading this can show the same love and support back. After all your mom and dad may seem to put on a good face for you, but there is no hiding the fact that divorce is a heavy ordeal and will be for your parents. 

 

Parents will need to figure out what works best for their kids during custody arrangements. This will take cooperation and honesty.  This is not the time to continue to be bitter.  Teens can help by being cooperative.

What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make Divorce Easier

Be peaceful

Keep the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along and kids will pick up on this, especially teens. Teens find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. You might be naturally inclined to be bitter toward your ex-spouse but refrain from doing this in front of your teens.  Teens can't do much to influence how parents behave during a divorce, but they can ask them to do their best to call a truce and put an end to any bickering or unkind things, which they might be saying about each other. No matter what problems a couple may have faced, parents need to handle visiting arrangements in a constructive way to peacefully minimize the stress their kids may feel.  And, in our opinion, that stress will be a lot. 

Stay fair

Parents need to be fair when dealing with there kids.  They should never be used as pawns to manipulate tactics against a bitter spouse.  Always keep an open mind to what your teens are saying and remember that anything they relay about your Ex usually came straight from the horse's mouth and not theirs.  The principle here is to not shoot the messenger.  Your teen kids, though as savvy as they appear, will experience mixed and conflicting messages regarding your new relationship with your Ex.  Always keep that in mind.  Teens likewise should be fair to a parent that is no longer intimately involved in their lives.  It is only natural that one parent will have less involvement because of custody.  This doesn't mean there is any less love. 

Find a counselor

Counselors, or even great friends, can be a great way to keep the communication channels open for all involved in the new dynamics of the divorced family.  A teen may feel more comfortable sharing feelings with an unbiased professional that may be able to get a great look at the whole picture.  Such a counselor or therapist will then be able to best prescribe advice that can keep a nurturing environment going. 

Let others support you.

Talk about your feelings and reactions to the divorce with someone you trust. If you're feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass. If they don't, and if you're feeling depressed or stressed out, or if it's hard to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor or therapist help you. There are therapists who specialize in working with teens who are dealing with divorce. Your parents, school counselor, or a doctor or other health professional can help you find one. Also, many communities and schools have support groups for kids and teens whose parents have divorced. It can really help to talk with other people your age who are going through similar experiences.

Bringing Out the Positive

Perhaps there might even be a silver lining when it comes to divorce.  You see, if you and your spouse are truly better off then in some way, they will like the changes.  If the previous household was fraught with bitter fights over money, nasty opinions and downright subversive tactics, then the peace will be welcome in their lives.  They will even like it in yours.  At heart, all kids want their parents to be happy and yours will be no differently.  Likewise, the same is true.  Parents should want their kids to be happy and the most unpleasant dynamic in everyone's lives should now be gone thanks to the divorce.  In time, once all adjust, things will get better.  Although that may seem difficult and unlikely at first, just stay the course.   

 

Other positive aspect of the changing family dynamic is that sometimes siblings will become even closer.  After all, they are both in the same situation together now.  A big brother will be even bigger in the eyes of a little sister or brother.  They may even bond closer in their shared experience, realizing that they will always have their filial relationship despite any proceedings of the judicial systems and verdict of any judge.  They may carry this strong relationship on the rest of their lives.  

 

Last words on Teens

They will learn something about themselves that is guaranteed.  What might seem difficult at first might be welcome on second thought.  If there is some sense of normalcy, your chances are better of keeping a nurturing and positive relationship alive with your teen kids.  Then, one day, they will wake up and realize they are adults and they still have two parents in their lives.  Somehow they made it.  So in the end, it is about communication on all parts, stressing the positive and establishing a routine that all can live with.  It is about having an appreciation of the challenges and pressures that will be put on all.  It takes a concerted effort from both teens and parents to make it work and it will because it can and because you will make it happen.

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