Holidays can be tough One thing you may as well get used to is that no matter how much you prepare, there will always be bumps in the road in your post-marriage, divorce lifestyle.  At no greater time will this be underscored than on holidays.  For divorcees, holidays can be trying and hard times to handle.  After all, there is a lot to be upset about because a lot has changed. First of all, you might not have anyone to spend a holiday with or it will not be the same going over to Mom and Dad's without your wife or husband of years past, let alone the grandkids.

Invariably, you will reminisce about the good times raising the kids or enjoying a holiday ski vacation when times were good.  And let us admit it, there were good times and nothing will ever take those back.  However, you have to get past those feelings, especially on holidays.

After all, holidays are only a handful of the 365 days of the year.  Maybe we will actually do some math here: let us say you have typically a two day holiday for Thanksgiving, three for Christmas, two for New Years, one for Fourth of July, one for Halloween, one for whatever and two floating holidays to do whatever the hell you want.  That is a total of 12 (we think).  That is about 1.8 percent of the whole year.  So, keep that in mind when all seems gloomy.  

If remembering that doesn't help, remember these helpful holiday tips:

No better time for planning than now

Hey, the holidays are always just around the corner.  In fact, today's retailers may as well just promote Christmas all year long.  Why, the local Wal-Mart was putting out Christmas stuff with the Halloween costumes this year.  So, it comes earlier and earlier each year.  Now, aside from Christmas, think of all the other holidays that you currently don't have any plans for.  Here is what you can do to make the holidays a breeze:

Make a list of things you have wanted to do but couldn't before.  It doesn't even have to be holiday oriented if you don't want it to.  Heck, remodel your house if you have the time.  The idea is not to wake up Christmas morning to an empty place, wondering how this came to be.  You know fully how and you thought it through and through.  So, don't begin to question yourself now about it. You want to wake up on a holiday with a plan, maybe to visit old friends.  The point is, on your calendar make sure you've got something to do today and it does not involve a bar. 

There are the still the less fortunate

Now, this may be hard to believe, but right now there are those far worse off than you. Not that we are saying you should derive any special pleasure from that fact.  We are just saying that there are people with no one in their lives - and we mean nobody - no brother, no sister, and no friends.  They also have no house, no car, and no health insurance.  The true spirit of any holiday is helping and being there for such people.  

So volunteering at a shelter or food pantry to serve warm meals will be rewarding in many ways.  First you will be helping your fellow man, and just in that act you will feel needed and valued.  After all, you are contributing.  Second, you will have company and it will surely be appreciated.  You might even learn a thing or two about the real spirit of the holidays, which has less to do with commercialism and more to do with compassion for others.  This then, could be a chance to grow as an individual while helping others.   Nothing could be more rewarding on a holiday.

Don't withdraw from your key relationships

You still presumably have a mom and dad and some siblings.  Maybe you have an uncle or a vast network of cousins all stemming from your ethnic background.  No matter what the situation may be, don't withdraw from seeing your friends and family during the holidays.  You may feel weird at first, being there alone, but you will see this quickly dissipates.  After all, think how deep your history goes back with family.  They will want to see you and they will be glad you choose to stay involved in the family happenings.  After all, you will have that support network, which you've had ever since you were a child.  There is something very comforting in that sense of security and tradition.

Don't overeat and don't drink like there is no tomorrow Perhaps you will have an urge to get totally trashed.  Don't do it. Nothing exacerbates and brings out old bitter feelings more than alcohol combined with a wistful and sorrowful tour of the pains of the heart.  In fact, you might even think that one or two drinks at the local bar would be a great way to spend a holiday all alone, but that will lead to dangerous things.  All too often, you will be surrounded with other heavy drinkers that have nothing better to do than hang out at a bar during the holiday.  Crave the social stimulation?  Try a trendy coffee shop during the day.  Or, if you insist on being sort of alone, go see a movie. Also beware of food.  Don't make it your best friend suddenly.  Yes, a cheeseburger won't yell at you if you eat three of them, but your body might the next day.  Moderation is the key and stick to it. You will manage to get by.  Trust us on that one.  Get with the spirit and fun of the holidays Instead of avoiding the holiday, why not take it head on and get right into it in every cheese ball way possible.  How to do this?  Let's say you love to cook.  Okay, go get a holiday cookbook and learn how to make a traditional holiday meal.  Pay careful attention to learning about the history behind the celebration and why it is important.  Then actually make the freaking thing you read about.

Experience nature

There is beauty all around you and it doesn't necessarily have to be man-made or tied to the Hallmark marketing schedule for you to enjoy it.  Go for a nice long walk in a winter wonderland around Christmas time. Or, say it is Fall: take a scenic walk at a state park and enjoy the gifts that nature has to offer to us all.  Other possibilities include taking a hiking trip or attending a holiday-oriented festival somewhere, where there might be music, singing, dancing, food and most importantly, good company.  

Celebrate you

Hey, here is an under-served holiday: you!  Yes, that is right.  This holiday why not spoil yourself and treat yourself to some pampering by getting a massage, a pedicure, a new outfit you have always been wanting.  Okay, maybe this tip is more for the ladies, but guys should not miss the point either.  Go to your local sporting goods store and plunk down the money for that new fishing rod you've had your eye on and take a nice relaxing fishing trip.  Or, what about your favorite team?  Why not spend Christmas with the New York Knicks for instance?  Most professional teams usually have games around holidays because of the high ratings and the fact that most men are usually in front of the TV with their pants unbuttoned having stuffed themselves silly.  So, why not do them all one better?  Go to the game and chat with the guy next to you.  For a holiday bonus, buy the guy (or gal) a brew.  Hey, tis the season to be merry.

Don't hook up on a one-night stand

Here is another great thing to keep in mind.  Don't make the holidays a mission to "get some" with some other lonely soul out there.  Yes, you will be tempted and surely if you crawled into a bar you will find some other woebegone guy or gal who might take you up on your offer to nip loneliness in the bud while rolling between the sheets.  This is not a good thing as it will usually end the next day (or even that night) and you will realize that it was not anything permanent or meaningful and it will only compound your loneliness.  This next point probably goes more for guys, but in today's day and age, who knows?  The advice is: don't pay for sex.  Not only will it magnify the reasons we just outlined, you really might feel like a loser the next day.  These are not the feelings you should be having on holidays.  The idea is to connect meaningfully.  With hookers it is but a money transaction.  Didn't you already have enough of those with your divorce?   

Avoid your Ex

Whatever you do, don't get drunk and call your Ex.  You will in all likelihood say something embarrassing and something you will later wish you had not.   If you really are thinking of them, which in and of itself is not a bad thing - or even an unnatural thing - since you did have, at one time, presumably, good relations, then a simple card does not hurt.  Be sure not to write blathering drivel on it though (see previous sentence for an example).  Keep it simple like "Thinking of you," "Wishing you a happy holidays".  In many ways this can be an opportunity to show a little civilization to each other and this may make you feel better. 

I don't think we need to mention that hooking up would be the worst possible thing to do with your Ex during the holidays.  However, we won't lie.  Statistics show that it is not uncommon for divorced spouses to occasionally get together for a little nocturnal action but the reasons are more complex than "Hey its Christmas and I miss you so let's do it."  Then again, sometimes they are not.  Still, the point to remember here is both of you may be vulnerable during the holidays and by having sex with your Ex you both are giving in to your vulnerabilities.  This is dangerous. In all likelihood "vulnerability sex" will mean something totally different to you than what it means to them.  You may think you will get back together whereas they may think it was one last hurray for old time's sake.  This can rekindle those embers of hate you are trying to put out for good.  

Call up an old buddy

A great thing to do on the holidays is call up those you haven't talked to in a long time.  How about your best friend from high school you haven't touched base with in years?  Why not give him or her a call and see how they are doing?  How about some college pals you used to run with back in the day?  Ladies, why not call up those old girlfriends of yours to see how things are going for them.  The point to remember here is that oftentimes lost in the busy-busy hectic demands of a full time marriage are the friends and acquaintances you kept promising to connect with.  Year after year you always say you should call them to see how they are doing.  Why not actually do it this year?   

The last word on Holidays So now you know that there will be bumps in the road in your post-marriage, divorce lifestyle, which is often magnified during the holidays.  These so-called "holidays" are often the most trying and hard times to handle - and for good reason.  But, remember the tips we went over and you should be able to navigate the emotional waters of the holidays as well as possible.  It might be difficult at first, but each year it will get easier and easier and then, who knows, you just might discover that you are spending holidays with the greatest person you could have ever hoped to have spent them with: you! Or, maybe you will meet a person who you were really meant to spend the festive days with?  Even if neither happens over night, don't forget: holidays are only a handful of the 365 days of the year. Keep these tips in mind and they should be more bearable. Click here for Part 9