Get ready for a dramatic change
You can't begin to fathom the change that is taking place once you successfully complete your divorce. Naturally, this is going to take some serious time to assimilate and you will think about all the times in the past with your spouse, both good and bad. You will remember all that you had and all that you will no longer have. You will stare into the abyss and wonder if it will eat you alive. It is scary. Admit it. We do and so should you.
The last thing you want to do is sugarcoat the dramatic change you have just made. In all likelihood you will effectively have been downsized. So, will your spouse. After all, a marriage is greater than the sum of its parts, but when you follow that formula in reverse you can see your lifestyle as you knew it, will have been more than halved, it will have been drawn and quartered (your attorney will be richer, not that it is a consolation).
But, the trick here is to think "why" and not "what." What implies a physical attachment to things material, real and imagined perhaps. However, why is a more philosophical, creative and introspective question. When dwelling on all that was lost or will no longer be, ask why you did it. Invariably, if you did your homework - and if you have read this far we will assume you did - asking "why" will lead you to a different kind of "what" -more in terms of what you are gaining by having completed your divorce. Namely, you are gaining the most valuable asset in the world and that you will never have to split: you.
Yes, your spouse may get the house, the car and the ice cube trays, but only you gets you (Who knows though, perhaps in the future they will have the technology to saw you in half like a David Copperfield prop and give your hindquarters to your ex (where you can promptly tell your ex to kiss anytime you want).
Still, you will want some concrete and good examples of how to cope. Here is what we suggest:
Tips to keep your sanity
- There is life after this marriage
Your life is not your marriage and it never was in the first place. You are born with a unique perspective that allows you to experience the pleasures and pains of being alive. Marriage is one such experience that can be both at the same time and often is. However, one day you will look back and see it as a chapter in your life. Also, by having experienced the depths of pain, you will one day experience the joy of being you, which will be greater than the joys allowed as a prisoner in a bad and broken marriage.
"Oh, when those saints...go marching on...oh, when those saints go marching on..." This song is really about your life and you will see that life indeed goes marching on after a divorce. Make a concerted effort from the early stages to march on with it. You have life to live. With apologies to Rudyard Kipling, "don't fritter it away by wallowing in the greatest painful thought ever conceived by man: If?" Life doesn't care about "ifs." Neither should you. At some point you have to move on. You can change the past, but the future is all you. Look to the future for your salvation. It may seem bleak now, but there will be sunny days after the storm.
"This freaking blows... I lost my shirt... that bitch really crucified me...." Okay, you get the idea. There is the expression you are what you eat and if you ask us, you are what you say consistently. Train your vocabulary to erase negative language and it will soon translate into your every day life. It might take some time, but it will.
- Be an example for your children
Kids don't like to be forgotten about during a divorce. Many times they will be at a certain age level where fully comprehending the magnitude of the new changes will not be fully assimilated either. They may even suppress their feelings. First and foremost, do what you used to do with them and let them know you will be in their lives. In some sense, it will be equally as therapeutic for you. You see humans have a desire to be needed and even though you know the full extent of what is gone, your kids won't. They will need you. You will need them. Be there for them and they will be there for you. Do what you always did for them, like practices after school and whatever. But, if they ask questions about why Mommy and Daddy aren't together, make sure they know it is not about them. It just didn't work out and it is not their fault. Then, go back to their schedule. They will thank you when they are older.
Your old relationship was husband and wife. Your new relationship is as common allies of your children. Divorce can create deep wounds in children. Talk to them about what's going on, what they're feeling, and how things will get better. Involve them. If they know there are things they can do to help this transition, it will give them a feeling of power and this feeling of power is something you want to cultivate for them and you.
- Row, row, row out of denial
There is the corny saying that "Denial" ain't a river in Egypt. However, we like to think about that a little more deeply. Denial is surely not a river in Egypt because we know there is no physical river called denial, right? But, ah, there is a mental river called denial you will find yourself swimming in quite often. Don't do it. Instead, row, row, row your boat quickly out of denial. Remember, denial is why you would have stayed. Denial would lead to years of ho-hum existence in a relationship of little or no love. Now, denial might have you thinking that all is fine with your life. At the moment, that would be rowing in the river of denial. Your life will not magically go back to normal (however you define normal). You will have to work hard at creating a new life. So row out of the river of denial and take solid footing in the land of realism.
- Make a plan with "smart" goals
You need "SMART" goals to get on the rebound in our opinion. What are "SMART" goals? Simple, they are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timed. You see you can't row your boat in denial about your new lifestyle. You might have far less money to live on now, but that doesn't mean that things will stay that way forever. You can make a goal to get back on your feet and be doing well financially but it needs to be grounded in reality and be "SMART." For example it would be rowing your boat in denial to say you want to have a new house, car and dog and be married again within one year. However, saying you want to go out on a date by the end of the year, will be more realistic. You can measure that goal and it is specific, attainable and realistic. There is a time element involved too, because you are giving yourself a year to do it. After all, if you didn't put a time limit on your goal you might simply drift on aimlessly. With a timed goal, the action of working toward it will be healing in and of itself. And, you just might do it.
Call up the beer buddies? Where are my girlfriends?
This piece of advice is about developing a support network. You will need them during this trying time. In fact, here is a bonus tip: call up a friend, even if you are not that acquainted with them, who you know was divorced (chances are you will be connected to someone) and see how they learned to cope, adapt and get on with life. And, don't forget the beer buddy too. Go have a beer with him and enjoy that act. Ladies, call up the girls and chat about it. Its all about your friends. The good ones will be there for you. Don't overdo it though. This is not the time for a prolonged bender.
Take a new skills inventory
Figure out just what the hell you have to offer someone now. Make a list of skills you might have available for new lines of work, new pursuits or other career/volunteer endeavors. The change of scenery will do you well. You will meet new and interesting people, too.
Time for you
Make use of your new-found time and do something for you. Go golfing on the weekend or go to the movies. Do something that you knew you probably would not have been "allowed" to do under the old marriage arrangement. However, don't do something that is not good for you - for instance don't hang out at a bar all day. This is not doing something good for you. In all likelihood, you will end up leaving by - yes, you guessed it - row, row, rowing you boat on the river of denial. We already talked about that. That is not a good thing.
- Find your passion
Right after a divorce may be a good time to think about doing something you always wanted to do or pursue, keeping in mind any financial obligation you might have. Still, why not take that cooking class or learn to be a chef and change careers. The advice here is to reinvent you. After all, the way you functioned in our old marriage was suited to that unhealthy environment. Remember the old adage that the definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over again and expect different results. Don't do the same things over and over again. Do something different and do it often (Hell, this includes "doing" somebody different, too - wink). There is a unique love and passion inside us all. Cultivate yours. Nurture that smoldering ember into a blazing fire!
- Have some joy with your kids
Choose to live with some fun in your new life. Create new memories with your children that will carry them into the future with self-esteem, confidence and happiness. Your mission to raise your children will always be with you. Embrace it.
Hey, don't jump into another disaster. You are more experienced now. You know better. Never cavalierly go about another marriage. Every marriage is uniquely different. And, contrary to what statistics will tell you, there are happily married people out there and they do stay together their whole lives. Some got lucky. Some took the time to really think about what they were getting into. This time around, think about what happened that caused the marriage to end. What was the early warning sings that you missed. Try not to miss them again. Otherwise, you will have to read this whole list over again someday (you don't want to do that).
Our hope is your hope. This essentially means we hope you found that there will be some light at the end of the divorce tunnel and in many ways that light could be very promising. Except, remember one thing: it will take hard work. No matter where you go from here, it will be tough and it will take hard work. You better get that ingrained in your head now. However, again, we remind you that despite all the hard work and how tough it will be, you will be completely free to dictate your future according to your wishes. You can do things you never did before and you can reinvent yourself while still being involved in your children's lives. So, take advantage of the new opportunities you are afforded and reinvent yourself. Yes, it will be tough. But, you were tough enough to make the decision and carry through on it. So, you will be tough enough to deal with the challenges ahead. Quite coincidentally, the next installment is called (drum roll please), Ongoing Challenges
Click here for Part 6
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