Divorce Planning & Preparedness

You must have a lawyer and the best one you can get.  The divorce process can be daunting and you need a trusted and trained professional to help you navigate these difficult waters.  Keep in mind that you are going to be taxed mentally, physically, financially, spiritually and emotionally and, perhaps, in other ways we are not thinking of right now.  The last thing you need to do is worry about the legal ins and outs of the divorce process.  Let pros do what pros know.  Ask trusted friends for lawyer recommendations.  Find an attorney you instinctively trust and can feel comfortable with.  Stick with them to the end.

We are not saying you have to break the bank account, although you might.  But, a few pennies here and there are not going to do you any good if you get taken to the woodshed by your spouse's professional attorney.  So when we say don't go cheap, we mean in quality as much as in price.  Don't forget that just because they are pricey, doesn't mean they are good. Your best bet is a recommendation from a trusted friend.

Unless there is a real fear of physical abuse, don't hightail it out of there quite yet.  Talk it over with your lawyer and remember that you are entitled to the place just as much as your spouse is.  Be cordial about it, but remember, this is not the time to give away the house, literally. 

This may seem ridiculous but look at it this way.  A divorce can easily devolve into a revenge contest, which often will be just as destructive to both parties, especially if you have kids.  Yes, your spouse may fight nasty but taking the emotion out of it makes it easier to deal with the blows and to deliver when you must.  The idea is not to ruin your spouse, but let them get on with their life, too.  In time, both of you may see that divorce, indeed, was the right course of action for everyone involved.  But, even if the other spouse plays dirty, keep your cool by remembering what you are going through is the better choice for all involved and you will be less emotional about it.  This will help in court.

Kids will not understand what is happening and may even come to vilify one parent over the other.  Whatever you do, don't tell you kids specific reasons why you are moving on and don't say insulting, hurtful things about their mom or dad.  Just explain that it is for the best and that both of you are different people and must move on.  Also, don't try to win them over to your side with gifts and money or other lucrative items.  Kids are more attuned to this sort of emotional bribery then you might think.  Take the high road and don't insult your spouse.  Instead, be nice, but not manipulative, toward your children.  They may hate you now, nonetheless, but in time, there will be a greater chance they will come to understand.

Actions speak louder than words and both speak volumes when uttered and recanted in the presence of a jury.  A great piece of advice is not to say or write anything that you would not want read aloud in a court room.  So, be careful about nasty messages you might leave on your spouses' answering machine.  You might see that answering machine message played back to you in court.  The same goes for e-mail.  Don't' send any threatening correspondence.  Refrain from communication with your spouse except for the most basic and neutral sort of subjects, like picking up the kids or taking care of the house.  Act like the judge is standing right next to you when you communicate with anyone and you should be okay. 

A key to putting up a good fight in the court room is to have as much documentation as possible and that means hauling stuff down to your local Kinko's and going to town.  A rule of thumb is to copy bank account records and print-offs, mortgage statements, medical bills, investment account stuff or anything related to valuable assets.  Your lawyer will need them to help win your battle. 

Guess what, if both of your names are on the credit cards and you no longer have them, while your spouse does, anything he or she puts on them is your responsibility as much as it is theirs.  We don't care if it is the Netflix membership, contact them and have your name removed or the account shut down completely.  The last thing you need is to discover when a settlement is finally reached you have to pay for half of all the new furnishings your ex-spouse purchased for the new place. 

Make a detailed list of everything that is of value and debts, too.  Take pictures of assets and or videotape stuff if you can.  The more ways you can document assets the better and this will surely help when it comes to dividing up everything. 

Susan Goldstein, family law attorney and co-author of The Smart Divorce: A Practical Guide to the 200 Things You Must Know, suggests making a list of the persons who can be witnesses to your assets. You can't bring your lawyer too much information, Goldstein says and we agree.  She further emphasizes paying attention to assets of sentimental value.  Though they may be low on financial value, they are oftentimes the most hotly contested.  Family photos are a prime example.  Make copies of everything you want. 

Don't forget about the financial aspects of stocks.  If they are valued at $100,000 and you are awarded them, you have to pay capital gains.  So because of the tax the asset is really not worth a full 100K.  You would have to subtract the capital gains by, say, $30,000.  So if your spouse gets the 100K Rembrandt and you get the 100K stock, then you are getting the shaft.  So, pick which assets you want to retain and keep that in mind. 

Finally, to prepare for a divorce, have the strength of friends and family there to support you.  You will need their emotional support more than anything as the dissolution of a marriage can be draining in almost every area of your life.  Not to mention that at the heart of a divorce is the realization that your dream was never realized.  This will bring pain of its own.  Line up your friends and lean on them when you can and must.