Divorce and kids: What you need to know
This part of the guide is geared towards adolescents, the preteens, the one's who will have only a notional sense of what is going on (this might include you, too). It is the littlest ones in the family, the toddlers up to teens, that will sense that suddenly everything has changed. This can be a difficult time for young children as they begin to see things will never be the same again. Below are strategies designed to help minimize the impact of divorce on your kids.
Children don't need to be exposed to every horrible detail of your messy divorce so don't let them overhear all the bad stuff. You need to keep you kids in the loop about what is going on because if you don't, they are likely to blame themselves. If possible, try to have a conversation with them with the Ex, just for the benefit of the kids. Encourage the little ones to ask questions. This will help them feel involved in the process and it will alert you, as a concerned parent, to how their emotional development is being affected by the new changes at home.
Be a Role Model
Remember you are not the kid here so don't act like one. Your little ones will look to see in you the behavior of a grown adult. This is very important because if you act like a total schmuck then you can bet every dollar you gave away, or fought to keep, that your child will learn a poor lesson from you that might be difficult for him or her to get rid of even when they're an adult. Act like a professional. Have manners, after all this is what you teach them right? Show them how a real man and woman behave under duress, even when things are roughest.
Don't be cynical
In the wake of a bitter divorce, it is far too easy to take a tainted view of relationships and extend that view to all future relationships. You may forever regret the day you were married to your Ex, but now it is time to move on and heal. The important thing here is to not pass on negative thoughts and opinions about relationships in general. Try to remember that one size does not fit all. Just because your last marriage was not a good fit, doesn't mean you will never have a meaningful relationship again. It just means, you have to keep trying and learn where it went wrong last time. This time you want to get it right. You won't always get it wrong.
Don't badmouth your spouse or partner. But don't be afraid to tell your older children the truth when they ask for it (even if the truth is painful for you or makes you look bad. They will have more respect for you down the road if you admit what may be painfully true now.
Don't drift away from your children
Keep them involved and tell them about what you do - at least on a weekly basis. Then, ask them about their lives, what they are learning, how their week was, and what they are eating. Ask them about their friends and what they want to be when they grow up. The point is to stay involved and keep up on what they are learning and doing. Don't let a divorce lessen your relationship with them, but make it stronger.
As you deal with your own pain, try to avoid becoming so insular that you ignore the pain of your children. Avoid drowning your sorrows in alcohol, food, drugs or late nights out. Don't stop disciplining them or avoid maintaining rules that have always been in force. More than ever, your children need stability, compassion and your presence.
Don't' shower kids with toys
The kid radar is an amazing thing. It can sense when parents are being disingenuous from the outset. That is why they might respond initially with enthusiasm when you constantly drop off a new toy or bike, but they will know you are taking the easy route and it could damage their self-esteem and negatively impact your relationship with them.
Tell them you love them
Don't let bad feelings and wounds fester over time. Stay in touch and tell your kids you love them and that they are important to you. Pay attention to how they appear to be dealing with your divorce.
Tell your children that both parents love them. Tell them the divorce is not their fault. Even if children have had issues that caused the marriage stress, the divorce is ultimately the responsibility of the parents and has nothing to do with the kids. Remember, they are kids.
Do not give up on your children. It might feel sometimes that it's easier to just walk away from an acrimonious situation than to stay and fight for your rights as a parent or your self-image in your children's eyes. Don't give up. Try to stay calm and in touch with your children. Abandonment haunts a child forever.
Remember that this time is hard for the children. There might be behavior problems. The children might say or do hurtful things. Try to stay patient, to allow the children to talk openly and to express anger, fear, sadness, and disappointment -- even if this anger or disappointment is directed at you.
Kids need adjustment time too
Don't rush to begin a new relationship, or at least keep it on the back burner while everyone takes time to adjust. This might be frustrating for you, but your children need time to adjust and heal. If you have already begun a new relationship, try not to force this on your children. Give them time, and don't take it personally if they lash out. Slowly break in a new girlfriend or boyfriend. In time, when they see this person genuinely cares for you and appears to be a fixture in your life, you can slowly introduce them. But, give it time and don't expect them to accept your new mate easily.
Pay Attention
You have pay close attention to the development of your children. Divorce is an incredibly stressful time on them and they may not be able to assimilate how it all affects them. They may withdraw and develop depression-like symptoms. If left unattended, such problems could plague them in later stages in life. So, intervene if you notice erratic behavior or a sudden change in your kids disposition. If necessary, consult with a therapist or child counselor and make sure the children are being tended to. Finally, talk to them about any anxiety or negative feelings they might be experiencing.
If you think your child or Ex need counseling, classes in anger management or self-control, or help from Alcoholics Anonymous or some other group, consider the possibility that you could benefit from some counseling as well. And even if you determine that you aren't the one with the problem, consider seeing a counselor anyway, to show your support and solidarity with your family member. You might learn something along the way.
Finances for the kids
If you can, try to make sure you know what and where all the family finances are and that you are able to leave the marriage with assets of your own and the kids are accounted for when it comes time to think about wills and other financial assets. Wills, powers of attorney and guardianship papers need to be up to date so that the children are taken care of no matter what happens. Also make sure that if you cross state lines, your legal documents are still valid. Each state has its own laws concerning such documents and might not recognize documents from a different state.
Don't battle with your spouse
The battle is over and the court decided. It is best to move on. Avoid physically, financially or emotionally hurting your Ex. We hope this is obvious but you can never overstate it. Do not hurt or neglect your children in order to hurt your spouse. If you are the non-custodial parent, do not withdraw or withhold child support or hide personal assets during divorce proceedings in order to hurt or teach a lesson to your spouse. Such behavior hurts the children as well, and they do not deserve it. It only compounds the problems everyone is dealing with.
Try to be civil with your spouse in front of the children. Do your best to avoid undermining their attempts at discipline and being a caregiver. You might have good reason to be angry at your spouse, but your child still needs both parents. Try to see your Ex as a parent of your children rather than as the person who hurt you, and concentrate on your Ex's better qualities rather than on those that precipitated the divorce. If you need counseling, therapy, or co-parent counseling in order to make it work, then get it. It will be worth it.
Don't put your children in the middle, such as expecting them to carry messages, to behave with your spouse in a certain way or to tell you what your spouse is doing.
Unless visitations put the children in danger, don't prevent them from seeing the other parent or the other parent's relatives. Don't discipline them by withdrawing visiting privileges. If you are the custodial parent, don't move your children away from the other parent, and if you are the non-custodial parent, don't move away from your children.
A study in the March 2002, issue of the Journal of Family Psychology (from the American Psychological Association) says that children in joint custody situations reflect fewer behavior and emotional difficulties than do children who live and interact with just one parent. Another study in the Journal's June 2003 issue notes that children of divorced parents suffer significantly when one parent moves away.
Lastly, don't ever punish your children by saying hurtful things like "You're just like your mother" or "You're just like your father." Find some other way -- a compassionate way -- to discipline them.
See your kids regularly
If you do not have custody, make sure you see your children each week, at the very least. Try to maintain as many old habits and rituals with your children as you can, and try to keep in sync with the other parent on parenting issues and schedules. Avoid canceling planned visitations. Remember that these visits are crucial to your child's self-esteem. Use this time wisely - instead of allowing the children to watch television or play video games, use this time to reconnect and maintain strong parental bonds.
Eventually, it might be possible for parents and stepparents to work together in raising the children. There might be resistance to this from ex-partners, extended family or even from the children, but ultimately it can only be helpful to the children if all the adults agree and work together on important issues. Some partners and ex-partners are even able to celebrate family holidays together which helps the children avoid feeling torn between them.
If you do not have custody, make sure your home is a welcoming place for your children. Ask them over. Keep their pictures on your shelves (especially if there are other children in the home), and keep favorite toys or possessions around for them. Make sure to maintain special places for their stuff - whether it's a shelf, a room or a trunk or a special corner. Try to keep their visits as natural and pleasant as possible. Cut them some slack, but don't be afraid to discipline them either. They are still your children, and they still need boundaries.
If your work does force you to move, then make every effort to schedule time to visit your children or have them come out and visit you. Yes, this makes it even more difficult to stay in touch, but as your kids get older they will become more and more savvy with how to send and receive email, photos and even text message. The tools of technology can help, but you still have to make the effort. Already kids in preschool are experiencing the computer by playing games and learning the alphabet and their numbers. There is no reason that they won't know how to stay in touch using such technology as they get older. Make it a point about them learning to point with their mouse and you will be headed in the right direction.
The last word on kids
Once again, like nurturing anyone in a loving family, your role should not change. You still have a paternal responsibility to make sure your kids are being looked after, cared for and their concerns are addressed. You have a financial obligation to see to it that they are well looked after. You have been advised that it is best to avoid battles with the spouse, if for nothing else, for the sake of your kids. They, more than anyone, will want to move on and they will look toward you to see that it is going well. They will also learn something about relationships from the divorce. So, be careful with how you carry yourself and how you behave toward your Ex. You owe it to them to not take a tainted view of relationships with them into their adolescence and beyond. In short, you have to be there for them and stay connected and listen. In time, they will grow to appreciate your effort. You can count on it.
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