Divorce: An Overview
First and foremost divorce is the dissolution of a legal marriage before the death of either spouse. It is not an annulment, which is the ending of a marriage by having it declared "void." Although it must be noted that even in cases of annulment child support, alimony and property distribution laws may still apply. Merriam-Webster OnLine defines divorce as "the action or instance of legally dissolving a marriage." No matter where you look, you should stumble across the same definition in so many words, more or less.
Let us be clear though. Divorce is not a party and it will be traumatic, difficult and emotionally trying. More so, perhaps much more so, when kids are involved. Even for celebrities divorces are not enjoyable, Charlie Sheen aside perhaps. Be prepared for loss and a redefining of your life, yet reinventing it in a much different way.
Children will forever be impacted by a divorce no matter how civil it is resolved. In the best divorce scenarios where both Exs manage to get along, the children will still be emotionally pulled between both parents. They will be confused and it will take time, perhaps half of their lives before they finally assimilate what happened and why? Was it because of them? Was it something they did? Perhaps not. Just remember that everyone in your family is impacted when you divorce. It does not end there either.
According to national statistics you will have to get along with less money and a reduced lifestyle compared to what you were previously accustomed to. So, are you sufficiently scared yet? You should be because it is a serious decision that will impact your life more than any decision you will probably ever make (unless you get married and divorced again and continue that pattern the rest of your life). Sociological studies indicate a profound impact in a variety of important areas including your economic, social, physical and mental well-being. Yes, you may very well end up a wreck after a divorce. But, you will not be alone. We'll get to that later.
Judith S. Wallerstein in her seminal work The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study paints a dour picture indeed, having followed the lives of 100 children born to divorced parents. Essentially, she claims that contrary to the belief that all children eventually pick up, move on and deal with a divorce, the effects can linger all the way through adulthood.
Wallerstein claims that a parent's divorce plays out in their relationships, their work lives and their confidence about parenting themselves. Wallerstein does believe there is hope in the form of counseling.
It may be that you will have created a legacy of divorce. University of Virginia professor, Mavis Hetherington, claimed in her book For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered that almost 70-percent of children coming from divorced families consider divorce an adequate answer to their own marital problems, compared to only 40-percent of children from non-divorced families.
Is Divorce Worth It?
With all that, why would anyone want to get divorced? Despite all of the above horrors, there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. Will it be your tunnel? Will it be a light? Or will it be a train coming through? Hetherington would led one to believe it might be either, at least based on what she told US Today in a 2002 article: "divorce is an experience that for most people is challenging and painful. But it is also a window of opportunity to build a new and better life."
In our humble opinion: a divorce is a better option than living in a bad marriage and this goes for everyone in the household. After all, you only live once. That should be your guiding frame of reference when it comes to deciding on the path of divorce. Nobody has to spend the rest of the life in misery if that truly is the reality of your existing marriage. Your life is too valuable. You will be doing both of you and your spouse a favor in that regard and even your children, since it is presumed they are unhappy when Mom and Dad are unhappy.
Just take the time to reflect deeply on what has brought you to this point in considering a divorce and why you plan to change in the future. Is your reason for wanting a divorce something that can be worked out and improved? Is is just a bad time your spouse is going through? Remember, far too often, many spouses make the mistake of thinking that their next marriage will not have nagging problems, which the previous one did. Not so fast. All marriages have their ups and downs. Each marriage comes packaged with a whole new set of bills, in-laws, gifts, vacation plans. You get the picture. Our point is not to discourage you from choosing this course, but merely to make you think deeply about it. It is a life-changing and important decision. You need to give it the serious consideration it deserves. If you ultimately decide to pursue a divorce or whether you have no choice since your spouse has demanded one, let us then consider that window of opportunity, the way forward. Divorces.com will detail what that opportunity might look like in our next section...
Click here for Part 2
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